Snow in February

Here we are at the beginning of February, snow is around us and it is freezing cold.   People on Facebook are commenting on how slow January was, to me time as usual has raced.  The nightmare of last year continues and my brain fog is not giving up.  My writing has slowed down as daily Netflix has taken over. Worries over my children and visiting my patients, then memories and pain over losing my dad.  Guilt over the time I’m spending with my children, then fears of not doing enough.

With two children obsessed with computer games, getting them out for a walk normally is difficult.  Add on losing Grandad, a global pandemic and not seeing school friends they need encouragement and support.  They made the snow blob pictured and then came back in the house to their games.

The last few weeks I have supported my nine-year-old with his maths, pestered both of them with their reading and started star reward charts.  In this situation, how do you get through it?

The year

My sisters, nieces and nephew are walking miles, they are raising money for Pancreatic Cancer UK.  Me, I feel I’m wading through my own despair, trying to juggle life and failing.  I’ve decided that I need to join in and walk, but not sure where I’m going to find the time.

My father was always here for me and would always fix things.  I’ve been trying to solve the dilemma of buying a solid pine chest of drawers in a pandemic.  Reading that companies won’t deliver upstairs to the bedroom raises complications.  My dad would have fixed the old one and done a fantastic job.  There wasn’t much that my dad couldn’t do, he was pretty much perfect.

Shifting the stress of the last year is not easy. How do I stop watching Netflix?  This week its ‘How to get away with murder.’  I should be reading and writing.  I should be getting earlier nights.  Too much has happened this last year and now in February, the rubbish times just continue.

Life

The drama just keeps coming and every week day is the same.  Spending my day on the phone trying to help and support.  I’m enjoying the time alone and some of the patients I could happily chat to for longer than time allows.

As the world slowly gets vaccinated things should be getting easier.  Many people are still dying and people can still catch the virus and though not be seriously ill, can still pass it on. We all need to get through this together and try and follow the rules.  I’m hoping that this year we will be able to relax around friends and family.  Teachers and NHS can now self-test, there are debates around the accuracy of the lateral flow test.  This then causes some further stress of whether they trust them or not.  All our judgements and actions affect us.  Do we take the dog for a long walk or take the children to the park? Should we meet a friend?  Do we hug them?  Can we hug our parents?  We all play a part in this and it has been hard and will continue to be!

2021

I’m struggling with my writing and my mind is foggy.  The last few months have been awful. Focusing on work, a distraction from what has happened.  As Alexa scrolls photos I’m frequently reminded that my dad is no longer here. Last weekend I found the garden fence broken, I’ve propped it up with the kids broken trampoline.  My dad would have fixed it as he also would have fixed my nine-year-olds broken chest of drawers.  He was a really good man

My mum has told me that she has seen my dad since he died.  She has seen him in the bedroom and spoken to him in the kitchen.  She asked him to blow in her face, feeling a cold draft, she is convinced he was there.  Has anyone else experienced communicating with a loved one after they’ve gone?  I’m feeling a bit jealous as I want to see him or a sign.  I haven’t even seen a Robin.

Home-schooling and school

As a keyworker my children have been to school this lockdown.  I’ve felt grateful that they are being taught, a weight lifted. Yesterday because of the snow my car was going nowhere. Both children were moaning at the prospect of walking in it.  I then read that school was open for childcare only, which led me to keep them home.  A day of phoning patients, with two children shouting, messing around and playing on their computers.  On receiving a call from school, the day got more stressful.  My son had missed his maths lesson despite the school doing childcare only.

So, after an exhausting Monday, with work still to finish, I found myself supporting my nine-year-old with his Algebra.  He had never done algebra before so he did well, but I got confused with brackets.  Reading through the weeks lessons I’m sure he will be fine, he just needs to not panic.  He worked out the sums in his head, I used the calculator to check them.

Looking at the February weather forecast, tomorrow is supposed to be better. I’m hoping that the children will safely return to school.  My seven-year-old has achieved nothing for the last two days.  Today my son attended his first teams meeting., hopefully tomorrow he will be sat in the classroom.

Plan’s

I’m trying to get my head around my goals and stay focused.  Life hasn’t been normal for a year now.  Maybe I need to stop punishing myself with all the things and writing I want to achieve.  I can’t keep up and right now the children need to come first.  My writing is happening late at night when I’m already exhausted.  I’m trying my best to keep a level head and perspective on everything, and write my stories for the two fiction blogs I contribute to, Blog battle and Writers Unite. February is already racing by and I can’t keep up.

So how are things with you?

For more see, A new year, change and working on my writing

Life and change

Here we are finally in 2021, but will this year be any easier? I’m not sure.  2020 ended very badly for me, change is happening and losing my dad means Christmas will never be the same.

Here we are in January and my children are attending school, but weekends I’m doing extra home-schooling.  Teachers are working their hardest to teach the children but issues with social distancing make it difficult.

I’m thanking ‘You Tube’ for help with long multiplication. My son is only nine but home-schooling means I am learning too. Through life I’m sure we all have regrets, one of mine is not working harder at school, I found it difficult, so hated it. I remember guessing answers rather than asking for help. I don’t want my children to make the same mistake. Yes, he is protesting but he is doing very well. Computer games do not help with home-schooling, I do understand, multiplication or ‘Roblox’. At nine I would have preferred ‘Roblox’ too.

With continuing fears of COVID – 19, the worry continues. The country is now being vaccinated but the amount of people dying is still high. We need some good news but everyday there seems to be something else.

My writing

The stress and upset of last year is continuing into this year.  I’ve realised, that change can happen in an instant.  One moment you think things are going to be alright and then the phone rings and you are hurt again.  We can only live a day at a time and we must make the most of it.  Some friends will stay with us but others will walk away.  At a time when I need support, friends or really not friends have walked away.  It hurts but we can’t do anything about those that give up on us, especially when we are already struggling with life.

This year I am aiming to get my book finished.  The first draft is written but it needs a rewrite, I’ve been advised to make it humorous.  I’m not a natural comedian so I’m not sure how my time travel novel will look and read in a funny style.

My reading

Last year I was doing great with my reading until August when my dad became unwell.  My reading slowed down and in November stopped. He’s only been gone two months, I think of him everyday, and cry most days. Keeping focused is hard but I need to be strong and accept change.  It still doesn’t feel right that he has gone .  They say time is a healer, I don’t think this will get easier, nothing will bring him back to me.

This year I have so far read ‘The Beast of Buckingham Palace’ by ‘David Walliams’ to my seven year old.  It is actually very good and worth reading.  My daughter and I have been laughing through it.

I need to start rebuilding the books in my ‘Goodreads’ account again.

Plans for 2021

I hope to finally get my book finished and I hope to submit work to more publications. I’ve read we need to aim for hundred rejections on the premise that some could be acceptances.

I aim to read more than last year, the greater problem will be staying focused.

I need to reduce the time I spend on Netflix.  Last night at 1.30am I was sat watching season 5 of Lucifer. I must go to bed earlier, too many late nights.

I really hope that the extreme fears of COVID-19 go away as more are vaccinated, and there are no more lockdowns.  We all need this year to be better than the last.

I intend to keep doing extra school work with the children.  A week ago I purchased  Night Zookeeper  (please note this is a referral link and both of us will receive £5.00 if purchased).  Night Zookeeper helps them with their writing and spelling. It looks good and is worth looking at if you are home-schooling.

A positive outlook

We are in a better position this year then we were last year. Life needs to get better but it will still take time.  I need to be more grateful for my alone time, my days are full of working, teaching and supporting my children.  Writing and reading fit in around everything else.

Lockdown has brought quality family time, however it feels unbelievable that we haven’t walked to the city shops and bought doughnuts for a year. Things we took for granted are closed from us.  We need to remember we are a year closer to being able to safely get back to normal life again.

So, how is life with you?

For more see Loss of my lovely dad and my writing

My dad and a difficult year

This last year has been hard, hopefully early next year the world will be vaccinated and we will be no longer live in fear of catching Covid-19. The writing achievements I have made have been with a muddled head.  Struggling on through, this has not been a good year. Losing my dad last month to Pancreatic Cancer I am heartbroken, he died three and a half months after diagnosis. He was a young and fit man; it really isn’t fair!

Trying to carry on, I continue to watch out for my family and encourage and support their schoolwork.  This last weekend I re-learned long multiplication from a ‘You-Tube’ video.  This week I was told that my son is a good mathematician, he has his Grandfather’s brain, not mine as maths is my worst subject.

With Netflix taking over my evenings, I’ve just worked my way through ‘The Crown’. Tonight, I’m watching ‘Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency’. With a head full of grief procrastination is working well for me.  This last weekend, myself and my daughter contributed towards a video highlighting the shielding community during COVID- 19.  We both destroyed ‘A Million Dreams’ from ‘The Greatest Showman’.  I will put a link on my blog when it is on ‘You Tube’.

I’ve been trying to keep up to date on my blogs but I’m not doing a great job at this one. My participation in sharing forums has stopped. How do I get out of my funk?

December

So, when the world is discussing Christmas, I’m thinking about my dad and his funeral today. Friends are already putting up their Christmas trees, I could easily leave ours in the loft this year and cancel Christmas.  However, with two young children I can’t do this.  I have to put on a brave face, try and smile and carry on. I’m not in any mood to send cards, wrapping the presents will be hard enough.

Coping with grief

I’m trying to keep busy, but my head is all over the place.  Focusing on my children and husband is helping me. Remembering happier times makes me cry, I’m not sure how to think of happy times and not get upset. Losing someone special hurts more than words, a pain that only someone who has lost a parent can understand.

I have December short stories that I need to focus on, how do I achieve this?

With determination and taking a day at a time, hopefully I will get there.  Dads funeral was the first family occasion where I couldn’t hug him.  Due to COVID– 19 guests were limited, so many wanted to attend but couldn’t.

Writing achievements

This year despite everything I had my paranormal story published by ‘Writers Unite’ in their ‘Dimensions of Paranormal Anthology’.

I was a contributing author in Marjorie Mallon’s, ‘This is Lockdown’.

My reflective COVID – 19 story, set next year, has just been published in a charity book raising money for ‘NHS charities together’ – ‘Living during the Coronavirus Pandemic’.

I have submitted a western story to ‘Writers Unite’ for ‘Dimensions of the Wild West Anthology’ being published next year.

Here is a post with the Amazon Links – A different world and our changed lives

Plans for next year – 2021

I hope to write a fantasy story for another ‘Writers Unite’ Anthology, alongside writing both my blogs.  I intend to continue with Blog Battle and ‘Writers Unite’ monthly writing prompts and I would also like to get my time tunnel novel finished.  I’ve hardly touched it this year and I need to continue working on it.

I hope that we are able to relax more next year. If the whole world accepted the vaccine and followed social distancing advice then maybe we could return to some normality.  The amount of people on social media stating they are not having it worries me.  Till the world has achieved some immunity we will need to continue to be careful.

Can next year be any worse than 2020?

My dad left these words in his Eulogy, which he started to write himself.  When asked at a young age what he wanted to be, his answer was someone’s daddy.  He certainly achieved this with three daughters who loved him dearly.  Then he wrote his parting words, quoting Robert Falcon Scott, “Make our boy interested in natural history if you can. Keep him in the open air. Above all, you must guard him from indolence. Make him a strenuous man. The great god has called me. Take comfort in that I die in peace with the world and myself and I am not afraid.”

These are great words and my mission now is to try and get the children outside more and I have a new word – Indolence.

I thought in June that 2020 couldn’t get worse and then my wonderful dad died.  After this awful year we all need 2021 to be happier and I really do hope it is.

For more see, October – my writing and the year 2020