Snow in February
Here we are at the beginning of February, snow is around us and it is freezing cold. People on Facebook are commenting on how slow January was, to me time as usual has raced. The nightmare of last year continues and my brain fog is not giving up. My writing has slowed down as daily Netflix has taken over. Worries over my children and visiting my patients, then memories and pain over losing my dad. Guilt over the time I’m spending with my children, then fears of not doing enough.
With two children obsessed with computer games, getting them out for a walk normally is difficult. Add on losing Grandad, a global pandemic and not seeing school friends they need encouragement and support. They made the snow blob pictured and then came back in the house to their games.
The last few weeks I have supported my nine-year-old with his maths, pestered both of them with their reading and started star reward charts. In this situation, how do you get through it?
The year
My sisters, nieces and nephew are walking miles, they are raising money for Pancreatic Cancer UK. Me, I feel I’m wading through my own despair, trying to juggle life and failing. I’ve decided that I need to join in and walk, but not sure where I’m going to find the time.
My father was always here for me and would always fix things. I’ve been trying to solve the dilemma of buying a solid pine chest of drawers in a pandemic. Reading that companies won’t deliver upstairs to the bedroom raises complications. My dad would have fixed the old one and done a fantastic job. There wasn’t much that my dad couldn’t do, he was pretty much perfect.
Shifting the stress of the last year is not easy. How do I stop watching Netflix? This week its ‘How to get away with murder.’ I should be reading and writing. I should be getting earlier nights. Too much has happened this last year and now in February, the rubbish times just continue.
Life
The drama just keeps coming and every week day is the same. Spending my day on the phone trying to help and support. I’m enjoying the time alone and some of the patients I could happily chat to for longer than time allows.
As the world slowly gets vaccinated things should be getting easier. Many people are still dying and people can still catch the virus and though not be seriously ill, can still pass it on. We all need to get through this together and try and follow the rules. I’m hoping that this year we will be able to relax around friends and family. Teachers and NHS can now self-test, there are debates around the accuracy of the lateral flow test. This then causes some further stress of whether they trust them or not. All our judgements and actions affect us. Do we take the dog for a long walk or take the children to the park? Should we meet a friend? Do we hug them? Can we hug our parents? We all play a part in this and it has been hard and will continue to be!
2021
I’m struggling with my writing and my mind is foggy. The last few months have been awful. Focusing on work, a distraction from what has happened. As Alexa scrolls photos I’m frequently reminded that my dad is no longer here. Last weekend I found the garden fence broken, I’ve propped it up with the kids broken trampoline. My dad would have fixed it as he also would have fixed my nine-year-olds broken chest of drawers. He was a really good man
My mum has told me that she has seen my dad since he died. She has seen him in the bedroom and spoken to him in the kitchen. She asked him to blow in her face, feeling a cold draft, she is convinced he was there. Has anyone else experienced communicating with a loved one after they’ve gone? I’m feeling a bit jealous as I want to see him or a sign. I haven’t even seen a Robin.
Home-schooling and school
As a keyworker my children have been to school this lockdown. I’ve felt grateful that they are being taught, a weight lifted. Yesterday because of the snow my car was going nowhere. Both children were moaning at the prospect of walking in it. I then read that school was open for childcare only, which led me to keep them home. A day of phoning patients, with two children shouting, messing around and playing on their computers. On receiving a call from school, the day got more stressful. My son had missed his maths lesson despite the school doing childcare only.
So, after an exhausting Monday, with work still to finish, I found myself supporting my nine-year-old with his Algebra. He had never done algebra before so he did well, but I got confused with brackets. Reading through the weeks lessons I’m sure he will be fine, he just needs to not panic. He worked out the sums in his head, I used the calculator to check them.
Looking at the February weather forecast, tomorrow is supposed to be better. I’m hoping that the children will safely return to school. My seven-year-old has achieved nothing for the last two days. Today my son attended his first teams meeting., hopefully tomorrow he will be sat in the classroom.
Plan’s
I’m trying to get my head around my goals and stay focused. Life hasn’t been normal for a year now. Maybe I need to stop punishing myself with all the things and writing I want to achieve. I can’t keep up and right now the children need to come first. My writing is happening late at night when I’m already exhausted. I’m trying my best to keep a level head and perspective on everything, and write my stories for the two fiction blogs I contribute to, Blog battle and Writers Unite. February is already racing by and I can’t keep up.
So how are things with you?
For more see, A new year, change and working on my writing
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